Enlarged Heart

Enlarged heart...

A trip to Salt Lake City as a little girl; my mama, my sisters best friend Julie and me... Hogle Zoo and Primary Children's Hospital. We were sent to a cardiology specialist Dr Visi because the doctors in town were concerned I had an enlarged heart... 

When I was examined he told my mama that I was fine... My heart was just a little bigger...

Years gone by and the memory faded until one afternoon as I sat in a parking lot with tears running down my face and pain in my heart... I remembered his words... I caught my breath and it became clear... My heart was large and it loved quickly and deeply... It had been bruised and broken and I realized why it was so fragile  ... I had been given this heart because my purpose on this earth is to love... He enlarged it because he knew I'd need the extra capacity... He knew I would love hard and it would need to be resilient. He knew some people wouldn't understand my love... If I have loved you, I will always love you; maybe not in the same way~ maybe I would just love you for the lesson but I would love you. And as deeply as my heart feels the pain of loving some, it soars and swells with joy at loving others and those that love back. For years I criticized myself for giving love so freely, but now I realize that love is my superpower and regardless of the response I love anyway, it's just who I am. 

11-13-14

Grateful for my kiddos

Month of Gratitude

Day 2 

I don't know if grateful is a big enough word to say how blessed I am to be the mama of my 3 beautiful babies. I've been a mama for almost 28 years (over,  if you count womb time..which I do) and I am so blessed by the souls that chose me to come through ... I love, and I love deep but I had no idea the depths of love I could possess until these souls... They have given me courage and reasons to be brave...they have brought with them hope and belief ... They have pushed me to my limits and pulled me to my heights ... They have loved me in spite of my flaws and made me strive to be better... They have witnessed my journey in this life from a place no one else can comprehend ... And they love my darkness and my light... They hold up a mirror to who I am and who I asked God to help me be... They lit a spark in my life and the flame we have fanned is richer, deeper, stronger than I knew possible... They are the reasons I push forward, they are the best parts of me, they remind me of my purpose and inspire me to let go and believe ... They are my compass and my roots! Keenan, Jordyn, Mallory I love you infinity and beyond! 

Maybe...

G
Maybe I did something to make you mad, I don't know you won't tell me...

Maybe I wanted more than you wanted to give, I don't know you won't tell me...

Maybe I'm annoying and get on your nerves,  I don't know you won't tell me...

Maybe you found someone new or someone from before,  I don't know you won't tell me...

Maybe I'm not what you're looking for,  I don't know you won't tell me...

Maybe you can't handle my brightness, maybe it hurts your eyes,  I don't know you won't tell me...

Maybe I'm too much for you to handle,  I don't know you won't tell me...

Maybe I'm perfect just the way I am but you can't see me,  I don't know you won't tell me...

But what I do know without a doubt is that I love you and I didn't deserve to be treated this way... I didn't deserve to be disrespected and hurt with no communication. I deserved to be honored whether you want me or not... I deserved at least a loving goodbye. 

#WCW My woman crush Wed is my spunky teenage daughter Mallory

I love that you are here, that you chose me as your mama.

I love your confidence.

I love your spark.

The way your energy can uplift a whole group (situation).

That people trying to stifle your bright energy has never dimmed your light. 

The way some people have expected you to follow the crowd gave you fire to color outside the lines, and make the most beautiful art. 

I love the way you are comfortable in your own skin and can have conversations with anyone regardless age, status, race, religion. 

I love how you can melt even the gruffest of father's heart. 

I love that you know how to connect to people. 

I love how you are a builder instead of someone who tears down. 

I love that you are a "beast" on the soccer field, but those who know you best know the tender heart inside. 

I love that you root for the underdog... That you cheer for other people's successes. 

I love how you love your brother and sister. 

I love how you love being "auntie". 

But most of all I love that you chose me to come through to this life... That I get a front row seat to your beautiful journey... That I get to love you beyond measure! 

Sent from my iPhone

Because of one man.... Feb 21, 2014

Because of one man

Because one man stood up and said..."I want to make a difference for one child"...he changed the world for so many more. 

Because one man used his voice to speak the truth for a child...many voices joined to make a powerful choir.  

Because one man lit the way to make a change...the path of so many shone bright.

Because one man was brave and opened his heart... Many feel worthy of love and belonging. 

Because one man put his money where his heart is...he empowered children facing adversity to have a mentor to walk beside them. 

Because one man opened his life to a child... A boy learned the joy of mowing a lawn; a girl learned she could go to college to play soft ball; a child learned to trust an adult; children learned that people stay, people care and relationships can be safe. 

Because one man said yes, years ago... It started a ripple that continues today and for years into the future...

Because one young man named Steven opened his heart and inspired groups of people, children's lives were changed for the better, forever.  Because of Steven the world is a little brighter for all of 

I Must Confess... Dec. 12, 2013

I must confess that the last while I have struggled with feelings of hurt, pain, loneliness, betrayal, not knowing who I can truly trust, or where I truly fit in.... In a lot of ways the world I knew, the me i thought i knew, was turned upside down. I have caused hurt in the process of dealing with my own darkness... I have shut down places that may never open up again... But today, today I see the glimmer again, today I have hope that parts of me that have covered in darkness will see light again, I have hope that my spark though small is growing again... Thanks to those (you know who you are) who have held my hand in the confusion, who have reminded me who I am. I am brave and I am worthy of love and belonging (thanks brene brown) and watch out world cuz I'm shining again... Amazing, miraculous things are happening! 

Something's I'm learning about me-Dec. 6, 2013

Some things I'm learning about me....

I attract amazing souls into my life. 

I have sold myself out for the approval of those who don't really care about me. 

I struggle with sitting with myself in my darkness and remembering I'm enough. 

I extend and open myself to others... That burns me quite regularly-I extend anyway. 

I'm a gallon love person - sometimes those I love are quarts or pints - I'm still a gallon anyway. 

I have inspirational angels who lift me up, dust me off and help me fly. 

I'm a boat rocker, and some people are afraid of getting wet.......I'm a boat rocker anyway. 

The places in me that have been shattered I've let light shine through. 

The places in me that have broken, heal stronger. 

Forgiveness doesn't mean I let someone all the way back in, some parts of me remain closed to them. 

I am strong and can take a lot, but I too have limits. 

I have gifts that I took for granted, I have dimmed my light to not shine too bright... I'm learning that my bright light may help others out of their own darkness. 

Avoiding the pain lets it fester, leaning  in lets it dissipate. 

Leaning into joy makes me vulnerable -I'm learning to lean in anyway.  

Not everyone appreciates who I am-I'm learning that I'm an acquired taste that doesn't suit everyone's palette --yesterday I sold  myself off for their approval---

Today I'm me anyway. 

My angel friend Lau

It's interesting that I'm still surprised when angels show up in my life... The subtle ways we meet and then the fingerprints they leave burned in my soul. Our friendship was a story such as that... We met briefly in college then a few years later our paths crossed again over food counter between a hot kitchen and a bustling waitress station. I didn't realize at the time that the joking and laughing would build such a strong friendship. But when a truck crash tore my world apart and I was left behind 7 months pregnant and had a 3 year old son... He was there my first day back after the funeral. 

As I walked into work with my smiling mask on, I tried to pretend I wasn't broken... He looked me in my eyes,behind the mask, he saw the pain in my soul. He took both my hands and said "you aren't in this alone" then he held me as tears rolled down my face ... He held me like he was trying to hold my broken pieces together. And I knew then he would always be my friend. 

The next few years we took turns encouraging each other through the struggles in each of our lives.... And life went on with its crazy twists and turns... 

Then like life can do ... It decided to teach some more lessons... And when I first heard of the cancer I was lost in denial... He was so healthy, so strong... But each time sweet Jacquie called me to come cuz he was back in the hospital, the realization was too clear to ignore. As I think back to the last weeks as I sat by his bed in the living room. As I tried to be strong for him and his family... I realize he was the one strong for us. We had many talks of life after this life and he'd hold my hand again and look into my tear filled eyes and say "I'm not afraid, I'm at peace". But I knew the hole he would leave ... And I selfishly grieved our loss... 

Today when I see the faces of his beautiful children, who I adore like my own, I see the whispers of him still in this world. In the struggles of life I see his arms around his love holding her together and helping her be strong. I see him playing with his grandchildren before he sends them down... And as his hands pass them through the veil, he kisses them and whispers "give this kiss to Gully from me".

Ava

Today I was blessed to sit on the bed of my heart little sister, hold her hand, and as tears streamed down our faces she told me of her precious angel Ava.  As she told me of her fierce determination, gumption, and fighting spirit… I pictured her a lot like her mama, when she spoke of her energy to keep pushing when she was so tired, I pictured her a lot like her daddy… She had her daddy’s chin and her mama’s eyes… She had dark hair with blonde shimmers, she came with highlights…she’s the perfect blend of them.  She was wished for and prayed for… she was the miracle of two people who deeply love her…. I can envision her looking down waiting for her time to come through these amazing parents to this life… and while they patiently waited for her to make her appearance they nurtured her and they talked to her, they read amazing books and they prepared for their life to change with her.  What they didn’t prepare for was that she would come for such a short time… they knew her as she grew strong in her mamas womb and they anticipated holding her in their arms for years to come… but the plan wasn’t theirs, it was a higher plan that she had made before she came… She came to teach them how to love deeper and to trust in a vision bigger than their own.  As the doctors pulled her from her cozy home, her heart wasn’t beating, her breath had stopped… they worked on her feverishly for 11 min…. She could have chosen at that time to go, she was tired; but her mama was asleep and she hadn’t seen her face…. She knew she needed time with her to look in her eyes and show her she loved her…. To hear her daddy’s voice clearly …. She knew they needed these days to prepare for her departure… that every moment was precious…that every moment was blessed.  In 3 short days she touched many hearts and souls….people who would never even see her little face… and as her soul touched us, we knew her love…. A spirit so expansive and bright enough to light so many sparks… We will always miss holding her, but will forever feel her soul with us. In the hard times she will surround and hold us up and in the times of joy she will be the echo in the laughter and the twinkle in our smiles.  The miracle of Ava will continue to teach us, sometimes the force will take our breath away and sometimes in the most subtle breeze it will quietly blow through us….but we will be transformed none the less….

Aug 10, 2014

How To Boil A Frog

For years this day used to send me into a panic attack...I have felt anxious and fearful,at times without knowing why.. Then I would realize the date.. Now I choose to dedicate this day to empowering others... To shine my light so others can see their way out of their own darkness, whatever that looks like for them....

How To Boil A Frog

Some things you may not know if someone has not held your life, literally,  in their hands... 

Many people say..."I would never stay with someone who hit me" or "why don't they just leave" ...(I know I've said those same statements before it was me in the abuse) what people don't realize is the physical abuse doesn't start right away... And that the mental and emotional abuse usually is far more damaging than the physical... The bruises, cuts and bones heal while the psychological damage finds ways to hold on... And rear it's head during the most inopportune times... Like when a friend rubs your shoulders out of support and you cringe because hands are close to your neck, or a car follows you on one too many turns and so you change your route, the phone at your office rings and a blocked or unavailable number comes up...

The abuse starts subtly with picks at your self worth... The abuser is charismatic at noticing your wounds and scabs then casually picking them so not only does it prevent them from healing, it can make them fester and infect...the process is like boiling a frog, if you put them in hot water they would jump out, but if you put them in cool water and slowly turn up the heat... They don't notice until its too late, too hot and they boil.  

The cycle seems crazy outside the arena... And seems like a whirlwind from the inside... I can't speak for anyone else, only for me... I felt ashamed that I let him in my life, so I only let the tip of the iceberg show... If I loved him enough, it would change... I felt protected when he was there, that he wouldn't let anyone hurt me; but that came with the  price of being my knight and my dragon....when he was sweet, he was the sweetest; when he was mean he was the meanest...I got used to walking on egg shells and dodging the mine field and the stress kept me just enough off balance so the chaos felt normal...it took finally getting out of the tornado to relearn calm and peace so it felt like normal... Somewhere in the abuse it's like a magnet is on our compass ... It seems like we are following its direction but the guiding system is compromised ... 

I know I've used a lot of different analogies here and it may seemed scattered ... That's the way the abuse feels from inside...  

Aug 2, 2014

The Fear Doesn't Own Me Anymore

The Fear Doesn't Own Me Anymore 

I awoke startled at 4 am to find you standing over my bed... Only a couple hours before we had words over the phone and you were towns, counties and hours away, yet here you were coldly staring at me sleeping. You didn't move, you didn't flinch, no answers to my confusion of questions... "What are you doing here? How did you get in?" The moments seemed to drag until I felt the silence would suffocate me.  I reached for my purse and I stood to leave... As I said "I can't do this, I'm out of here" I felt the sting on my flesh as your hand  connected with  my face, the noise rang in my ears... It seemed like slow motion as I fell back on my bed stunned, the weight of your body straddled me as your forceful hands gripped my neck... I remember thinking...it's true, my life is flashing before my eyes ... Thinking of my little kids... Would I see them again? 

Then I looked into your eyes, they seemed fogged over with rage... Then all of a sudden the fog lifted, your grip loosened as you said "oh my God, your face" ... Little did I know this was only the beginning of months of crazy and years of fear.... That 17 years ago today this act would have weaved it's way thru my life and still in ways define my ability to see myself ... I'm stronger now, I cringe less, the fear doesn't own me anymore, but in my darkest moments it still lets me know that at one time it did, but I take a deep breath and know I Am Free! 

Aug 2, 2014

Fat Guy In A Little Coat

Fat guy in a little coat

It's amazing how one little guy could touch so many souls. You were here on this earth for such a short time, but your purpose was clear to bring hearts together.  From the moment you arrived,  you brought heaven with you in your eyes. Your spirit was so bright you drew in even the most wary of souls. In those years the house was filled with laughter and dancing, and those that were lost seemed found in those walls. Our children ran and played while we gathered in the kitchen cooking and laughing... And when music played and Pooter danced we all stopped and giggled and then joined in.  Each life had its challenges but when you brought us together they seemed to ride away on the notes of the music, if only for a moment. Fresh Peach pie, Veyo Pool, races on the Pine Valley lawn... Holidays and summer daze... Pooter in a Santa suit... The memories are beautiful but we wanted so many more... So much changed 16 years ago... We tried to hold together but the pain was so deep... I know when you see your moms tears you just want to dance and see her smile... I know through the trials and triumphs you have been with your family ... And as our lives twisted and turned away from each other, you were the thread that kept our bond ...Your rainbow shown through the rain.  We love and miss you always Noah! 

July 30, 2014

The Torch

The Torch 

As I've been pondering with the recent loss of Maya Angelou, Nelson Mandela and my beautiful mama 3 yrs ago. I've been studying the vision and gumption of many in their generation.  The brave stances they took... The status quo they weren't willing to follow... The dreams of something better, of a better humanity, to give your all for a higher calling. As they pass the torch to us, who will reach to take it? Who will take us to the next level and not let their lives be in vain? Who will step forward and hold the space? 

Sometimes we get caught up in keeping up with "the jones's"... Instead lets keep up with the innovators of light.  

I'm ready to stand up, step out and raise my voice to elevate our world. Now I know I will trip and stumble along this path...but I commit that I will brush off the dust of my inadequacies and lift myself again and keep moving forward. That when my arm is tired from holding my torch, I'll remember the strength of the torch holders before me, feel them holding me up and I will deeply breathe in their energy and lift my arm higher.  I feel their souls entwine with mine and I feel empowered and humbled with the journey ahead. I hear their whispers in my ear "it's your turn girl, it's your turn now...move forward and make us proud". The fire in them is in us all... Fan those flames... They are whispering to you to, are you listening, will you reach for your torch?

Little Red Riding Hood

As I stir in my cozy bed, the light gently shines through my window, I slowly open my eyes and begin to stretch...I feel stiffness in my body and run my hand over the wounds on my skin... I begin to remember what happened...

I had packed my basket with excitement for adventure,  wonder and thoughts of colorful experiences. 

I put on my red cloak of my mamas unconditional love and set off on my journey... My mama was too afraid of the woods... And I wasn't cautious enough. I walked the path I was making for myself and I saw the light in the distance... But my attention was quickly distracted by the beauty & diversity of the woods... I focused so much on the adventure that I didn't see the wolves... And when I finally saw them they were too close to see them clearly, I saw only the beauty of their wild spirit and ignored their nature. They could be loving and they could be charismatic but when the tough times came... First the growl, then teeth bare, and claws come out... 

How could I believe my love would change who they truly were?  And should i even want to? I can't expect a wolf not to eat my flesh when flesh is what he eats... And as i look at my reflection I see the wolf in my own eyes. That the deepest wounds are the ones I've torn open myself. I know my greatest weaknesses and where to really sink my teeth. 

I am grateful for the wolves both inside and out, and the lessons I have learned.  Wolves have purpose, I can take the gifts of the cuts and let them heal instead of reopening and keeping them open... The healing can leave scars of beauty ... The beauty of knowing I am courageous, remembering  I am strong and loving, soft and fierce, intuitive and teachable. The woods are beautiful and exciting, but now I have the ability to be scared and brave and move forward anyway.  My wolf won't trip me up because I see more clearly my worth, I make my weaknesses my strengths, and walk more balanced on my path. 

I woke this morning thinking of all the memories that brought us to this day, my daughter from another mama starts her new life as a beautiful wife. 

I was honored to watch Kalehua grow from a spunky little basketball player in 3rd grade to a spunky beautiful young woman. I couldn't have asked for a better best friend for my daughter, from the beginning they just got each other... 

Thru all the years Jordy "lived" on 3 bars rd so they could play border league basketball together, soccer from elementary to university (state championships, team captains, and Real  SLC meet and greets), boyfriends and bifs, Mexico to Hawaii, line dancing to Polynesian money dances, blueberry muffin mornings to sleep overs, they seemed quiet but surprised you with hilarious videos and pictures ... Always there for each other and as this life moves and changes I'm blessed to be there still watching them grow and develop those amazing souls into beautiful loving women. MP4E love you with all my heart and soul.

These 3 beautiful souls chose to come through me to this life and I am forever grateful. They each came with their own amazing energy and purpose and I'm blessed to witness their journeys from the beginning and see what interesting turns they choose. Sometimes I forget I'm just a guide and I have tried to push and pull them the direction I want... But then at times, like today, I take a breath and I smile and I remember that they each have their own journey and purpose and I'm just blessed to be along for the ride... I still guide but remembering my voice is a whisper of love and encouragement to listen to their own inner voice.  

From the moment of their arrival I saw each set of eyes filled with their own wonder, gifts, and purpose. 

And in these moments I remember my agreement,  that my greatest purpose is to love them through this journey... To give them roots and give them wings... To breathe love into their lives and hold them up in times of struggle and believe in their own power and vision. 

Today I am beyond grateful to remember my role, to be guided to guide and to love with all I have inside me. I am blessed with most precious souls ... I love you Keenan, Jordyn, and Mallory 

I Wait Tables Sometimes...

I wait tables sometimes...

As I approached the table I noticed a sweet gray haired woman and across from her sat her daughter, going over the menu with her. As the beautiful mother slowly gave me her order, the daughter looked at her lovingly and helped her with her remember her "usual". She was kind and patient and soft with her. 

For the next hour I watched their interaction, how they seemed to enjoy their time in these small moments. 

I noticed a lump in my throat as I envied them in this moment, and I wished I had one more lunch with gwennie ... I wanted to ask her if she asked her mom the questions I put off asking mine. I thought there was plenty of time to learn to make her fudge, and I didn't need to know cuz she would always be here to make it...more questions about her childhood ;her loves and her losses, how she just was love and forgiveness; her secret for being spunky and strong yet  amazingly compassionate; how she saw the good in everyone and loved unconditionally, how life's trials didn't leave her bitter... How she was soft and sweet yet fiercely protected and loved her family (and the Jazz). Most importantly I hope she asked her mom how to go on without her here, how life would ever be ok again, how to put one foot in front of the other with her head held high in a world where the person who holds your feet to the earth and holds you up is gone. 

Instead as I handed them boxes, I swallowed and took a deep breath and with tears in my eyes I said... I'm gonna say this quick so I don't cry, I lost my mom 3 years ago and you coming in today blessed me to see the sweet relationship you have... Thanks for bringing your mom to lunch today so I could witness this love again. The daughters eyes teared up and we shared knowing looks ... I am blessed in these little moments,  like when I think I'm just serving pizza, that I see the miracles the sparks of love  of this life. 

His Dream is bigger than my own...

As I sip chicken noodle soup for what feels like the umteenth time in almost 3 weeks, I feel frustrated and tired. As I've sat on my pity pot through the coughing and crying... I give myself this one last day to mourn my sickness...

Then I realize... looking around at Kleenex's, water bottles, oils and tea cups... I must need this time to rest, to gather my strength because great, beautiful things are coming...

I feel it in my soul, I smell it in the air, I hear it in the angel whispers in my ear...

The call of my purpose rings clear, at times the dream feels too big, too much... 

But as I sit here in the moment reserving the little energy I have... I breathe a deep breath, I soak it in, the realization that I'm ready... That I surrender, I will show up as Big as God needs me to... that I lean into being the woman I was meant to be...I embrace the work I was meant to do... that God's dream for me is more than I can  ever dream alone... As I rest, I close my eyes and dream...knowing when I awake the dream becomes my purpose, my work, my destiny.  

10 Lessons I learned this week... Aug. 14, 2013

10 Lessons I learned this week....
1.  Not everyone is willing to look at or work on themselves.
2. Because I want to work to make a relationship better, doesn't mean the other person does.
3. When I ask to be respected, and for my feelings to be considered...some people take that as a sign to be more disrespectful to me and talk disrespectful about the people I love.
4. Relationships aren't important to everyone, some people prefer to go with ego rather than love.
5. I learned that standing by someone doesn't mean they appreciate it or even respect me.
6. I learned that I can only take someone yelling, swearing at me , and calling me names for so long before I become the part of me I don't like.
7.  I learned that people who truly love me don't put me in that position.
8.  I learned that regardless of if someone or anyone loves me, I love me.  That I deserve someone who brings out the best of me.
9.  I learned I am willing to look at my darkness and work on me; and when I fall, I stay down less, I get up faster, and get back on my path with less baggage. 
10. I learned that I am loved and I deserve to surround myself with those people, and release those who don't know how or don't want to love me. 

I Know God Had a Plan When He Sent Me To You...To Mama 2/7/14

Its been 3 years and I still can't catch my breath....
I know God had a plan when He sent me to you...
He knew that you would hold me up with your love...
He knew you would give me roots and ground my free spirit, yet let me spread my wings and fly...
He knew you would be here when I fell, and as you cleaned my cuts you would encourage me to get up again...
He knew when I rocked the boat, you would close your eyes, hold on, and pray- when the waves calmed and looked around- there you would be, smiling and always loving me...
He knew the path I chose was a crazy ride, He knew you would love me through it all and be by my side...
There's so much I still need to say so many times I need to hear your voice, so much to share and advice I still need...
Every day I miss your smile and your silly ways...the way you make everyone feel special and loved when you were around...your cute wink and the surprise face when I would walk in on you in the tub (even though it happened almost daily)  the way you loved my children like they were your own, the way you always made me fell safe, even though you were so small.... Your fudge, and Texas sheet cake, trips to Pine Valley, Sunday drives... the security of knowing you always had my back.
You inspire me to be so much more, to make you proud, and let you know it was worth the ride. 
Yes, I know God had a plan when he sent me to you....

What I've Learned---written July29, 2013

What I've learned is that some people I  thought I knew had me fooled. 
That some people for the sake of selfishness, and control have lost their common sense and decency. 
That some people make life harder than it needs to be at the detriment, and pain of those they "say" they love.
But what I've also learned is that I don't need to meet those people in their crazy, that I can distance myself from negative and I can continue to walk the path toward peace, love and bliss regardless of another's choice.
That I can see truth in the sea of lies.
That I have a choice of what I bring in my circle. 
What I've learned is that I chose love. 

Sacred Circle of Friends

As I sit in a room with friends surrounded by sympathy cards for one of our sons... I realize this is surreal...Its out of order...
I remember the beginnings of our friendship circle so much laugher so much silliness...
dances, big gulps, slurpees, dragging main, boys and state trips...
skinny dipping, water balloons, the Blue Lagoon...
mopeds and red mountains...
"that guy that traded his pants for a burger"...
convertible orange bug, don't let Kristin drink outta your mug...
marquee signs and tan lines...
Dreams and plans we had so many...
Bright futures ahead, visions of college, careers, marriages, babies, vacations and sunshine...
And while we shared the sun, we were blindsided by the rain....
While we celebrated our joys, we held each other up through the pain...
While we stood up with flowers at each wedding, we met some on our knees through the scars of divorce...
We've lost parents and spouses clenching our hearts in despair...
Seen careers come and go, building homes and our lives, surgeries, pregnancies, and goodbyes...
As I look around this sacred circle of friends at these faces, the years have changed us, but we have ridden the ride and are grateful for our journeys-though they are each one different, they are so much the same.

Through The Eyes of This Child

Today I was blessed to play with Imani.  I got to see the world through her eyes...
The wonder of wood chips on the ground...
The interest of other little people...
Showing emotions when she felt them instead of stuffing them; crying when sad, smiling when happy, raising her arms to be held when she needed lifting....
The magic of slides and dirt...
The laughter ringing through the playground, down the slides, and over swing sets...
Not looking around to see if others approve...
Leaning into this moment...
Not worrying about the past, not thinking of the future...
What valuable lessons I remembered through the eyes of this child. 

And you thought they were just....Chocolate Chip Cookies

 

Anyone who knows me at all knows I love to make chocolate chip cookies...

I love making cookies with love and tenderness...

I love making cookies as part of my therapy...

The warming oven warms my soul....

Pulling the ingredients together feels like pulling together the pieces of my life...

The measuring makes me feel like I can control something when I feel out of control...

Melting butter crackles and pops like the thoughts in my head...

The stirring makes me feel strong and powerful ....

Falling chocolate chips into the dough feels like the drops of pure sweetness in my life...

Mixing them all together with my hands feels like molding my life, all the ingredients of it sweet, buttery, salty, vanilla and chocolate, to make a tasty masterpiece of my own.

I love sharing them like I love sharing moments of my life with those who appreciate the flavor of my journey. 

 

 

 

 

 





Clickin Out of OZ

 

Clickin Out of OZ....

I've spent a large part of my adult life (and come to think of it, most of my childhood) trying to make a man love me.

I felt lost and scattered by Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz....

 

I left the blossoming of relationships because the Emerald City shined so bright...I felt so unworthy of being loved and appreciated.

I tried to get the Scarecrow to see his gifts... while I down played my own so he felt wise;

I tried to soften the tin mans heart...I dreamed if I loved him enough he would love me;

I cowered so the lion felt brave...I gave my soul away piece by piece in hopes I would be loved;

I fell asleep to myself in the poison poppies...

I listened to the flying monkeys who were afraid of my yellow brick path... I let them drown out the encouraging voices....

I let the wicked witches scare me away from my inner sparkle...If I shine to bright they were intimidated and that somehow meant something was wrong with me...

I looked to the Wizard to give me my answers...

BUT... The wisdom I seek shines like ruby slippers in my soul ...

Clicking my heels and coming Home to myself!