Ava

Today I was blessed to sit on the bed of my heart little sister, hold her hand, and as tears streamed down our faces she told me of her precious angel Ava.  As she told me of her fierce determination, gumption, and fighting spirit… I pictured her a lot like her mama, when she spoke of her energy to keep pushing when she was so tired, I pictured her a lot like her daddy… She had her daddy’s chin and her mama’s eyes… She had dark hair with blonde shimmers, she came with highlights…she’s the perfect blend of them.  She was wished for and prayed for… she was the miracle of two people who deeply love her…. I can envision her looking down waiting for her time to come through these amazing parents to this life… and while they patiently waited for her to make her appearance they nurtured her and they talked to her, they read amazing books and they prepared for their life to change with her.  What they didn’t prepare for was that she would come for such a short time… they knew her as she grew strong in her mamas womb and they anticipated holding her in their arms for years to come… but the plan wasn’t theirs, it was a higher plan that she had made before she came… She came to teach them how to love deeper and to trust in a vision bigger than their own.  As the doctors pulled her from her cozy home, her heart wasn’t beating, her breath had stopped… they worked on her feverishly for 11 min…. She could have chosen at that time to go, she was tired; but her mama was asleep and she hadn’t seen her face…. She knew she needed time with her to look in her eyes and show her she loved her…. To hear her daddy’s voice clearly …. She knew they needed these days to prepare for her departure… that every moment was precious…that every moment was blessed.  In 3 short days she touched many hearts and souls….people who would never even see her little face… and as her soul touched us, we knew her love…. A spirit so expansive and bright enough to light so many sparks… We will always miss holding her, but will forever feel her soul with us. In the hard times she will surround and hold us up and in the times of joy she will be the echo in the laughter and the twinkle in our smiles.  The miracle of Ava will continue to teach us, sometimes the force will take our breath away and sometimes in the most subtle breeze it will quietly blow through us….but we will be transformed none the less….

Aug 10, 2014

How To Boil A Frog

For years this day used to send me into a panic attack...I have felt anxious and fearful,at times without knowing why.. Then I would realize the date.. Now I choose to dedicate this day to empowering others... To shine my light so others can see their way out of their own darkness, whatever that looks like for them....

How To Boil A Frog

Some things you may not know if someone has not held your life, literally,  in their hands... 

Many people say..."I would never stay with someone who hit me" or "why don't they just leave" ...(I know I've said those same statements before it was me in the abuse) what people don't realize is the physical abuse doesn't start right away... And that the mental and emotional abuse usually is far more damaging than the physical... The bruises, cuts and bones heal while the psychological damage finds ways to hold on... And rear it's head during the most inopportune times... Like when a friend rubs your shoulders out of support and you cringe because hands are close to your neck, or a car follows you on one too many turns and so you change your route, the phone at your office rings and a blocked or unavailable number comes up...

The abuse starts subtly with picks at your self worth... The abuser is charismatic at noticing your wounds and scabs then casually picking them so not only does it prevent them from healing, it can make them fester and infect...the process is like boiling a frog, if you put them in hot water they would jump out, but if you put them in cool water and slowly turn up the heat... They don't notice until its too late, too hot and they boil.  

The cycle seems crazy outside the arena... And seems like a whirlwind from the inside... I can't speak for anyone else, only for me... I felt ashamed that I let him in my life, so I only let the tip of the iceberg show... If I loved him enough, it would change... I felt protected when he was there, that he wouldn't let anyone hurt me; but that came with the  price of being my knight and my dragon....when he was sweet, he was the sweetest; when he was mean he was the meanest...I got used to walking on egg shells and dodging the mine field and the stress kept me just enough off balance so the chaos felt normal...it took finally getting out of the tornado to relearn calm and peace so it felt like normal... Somewhere in the abuse it's like a magnet is on our compass ... It seems like we are following its direction but the guiding system is compromised ... 

I know I've used a lot of different analogies here and it may seemed scattered ... That's the way the abuse feels from inside...  

Aug 2, 2014

The Fear Doesn't Own Me Anymore

The Fear Doesn't Own Me Anymore 

I awoke startled at 4 am to find you standing over my bed... Only a couple hours before we had words over the phone and you were towns, counties and hours away, yet here you were coldly staring at me sleeping. You didn't move, you didn't flinch, no answers to my confusion of questions... "What are you doing here? How did you get in?" The moments seemed to drag until I felt the silence would suffocate me.  I reached for my purse and I stood to leave... As I said "I can't do this, I'm out of here" I felt the sting on my flesh as your hand  connected with  my face, the noise rang in my ears... It seemed like slow motion as I fell back on my bed stunned, the weight of your body straddled me as your forceful hands gripped my neck... I remember thinking...it's true, my life is flashing before my eyes ... Thinking of my little kids... Would I see them again? 

Then I looked into your eyes, they seemed fogged over with rage... Then all of a sudden the fog lifted, your grip loosened as you said "oh my God, your face" ... Little did I know this was only the beginning of months of crazy and years of fear.... That 17 years ago today this act would have weaved it's way thru my life and still in ways define my ability to see myself ... I'm stronger now, I cringe less, the fear doesn't own me anymore, but in my darkest moments it still lets me know that at one time it did, but I take a deep breath and know I Am Free! 

Aug 2, 2014

Fat Guy In A Little Coat

Fat guy in a little coat

It's amazing how one little guy could touch so many souls. You were here on this earth for such a short time, but your purpose was clear to bring hearts together.  From the moment you arrived,  you brought heaven with you in your eyes. Your spirit was so bright you drew in even the most wary of souls. In those years the house was filled with laughter and dancing, and those that were lost seemed found in those walls. Our children ran and played while we gathered in the kitchen cooking and laughing... And when music played and Pooter danced we all stopped and giggled and then joined in.  Each life had its challenges but when you brought us together they seemed to ride away on the notes of the music, if only for a moment. Fresh Peach pie, Veyo Pool, races on the Pine Valley lawn... Holidays and summer daze... Pooter in a Santa suit... The memories are beautiful but we wanted so many more... So much changed 16 years ago... We tried to hold together but the pain was so deep... I know when you see your moms tears you just want to dance and see her smile... I know through the trials and triumphs you have been with your family ... And as our lives twisted and turned away from each other, you were the thread that kept our bond ...Your rainbow shown through the rain.  We love and miss you always Noah! 

July 30, 2014