Say That...

Say That....

Say that life can be a beautiful journey, that the pain can be dulled by the hope of new beginnings ... Say that all those experiences brought me here to this moment of hope for more. 

Say that all sadness can be healed, that the touch of new fingers can erase the bruises of fingers of the past. That truth can be true and the lies forgotten. 

Say that this moment can be  the new reality that what matters is this breath, this sigh, this smile. 

Say that the sounds I hear now are gentle, sweet and loving that I can believe in the joy. 

Say that the taste is sweet and tender instead of the salty taste of tears as they burn gently across my lips. 

Say that all craziness can seem distant and clarity joins me here in this moment.. That it's all relevant and then again not, at the same time. 

Say that in saying so it becomes so, that in the gratitude of past hurt I find wholeness and grace.. That, that was then and this is now, and my experience just passes my eyes as a movie, and I don't pause it or analyze it, but just see it for its messy, crazy, silly, glorious, horrifyingly realness that is. 

Say that I see beauty in the cracks because through them I see my light shine through. 

This life, my life... It is what it was, what it is, and what it will be, let's say that....

7-24-15

Enlarged Heart

Enlarged heart...

A trip to Salt Lake City as a little girl; my mama, my sisters best friend Julie and me... Hogle Zoo and Primary Children's Hospital. We were sent to a cardiology specialist Dr Visi because the doctors in town were concerned I had an enlarged heart... 

When I was examined he told my mama that I was fine... My heart was just a little bigger...

Years gone by and the memory faded until one afternoon as I sat in a parking lot with tears running down my face and pain in my heart... I remembered his words... I caught my breath and it became clear... My heart was large and it loved quickly and deeply... It had been bruised and broken and I realized why it was so fragile  ... I had been given this heart because my purpose on this earth is to love... He enlarged it because he knew I'd need the extra capacity... He knew I would love hard and it would need to be resilient. He knew some people wouldn't understand my love... If I have loved you, I will always love you; maybe not in the same way~ maybe I would just love you for the lesson but I would love you. And as deeply as my heart feels the pain of loving some, it soars and swells with joy at loving others and those that love back. For years I criticized myself for giving love so freely, but now I realize that love is my superpower and regardless of the response I love anyway, it's just who I am. 

11-13-14

Grateful for my kiddos

Month of Gratitude

Day 2 

I don't know if grateful is a big enough word to say how blessed I am to be the mama of my 3 beautiful babies. I've been a mama for almost 28 years (over,  if you count womb time..which I do) and I am so blessed by the souls that chose me to come through ... I love, and I love deep but I had no idea the depths of love I could possess until these souls... They have given me courage and reasons to be brave...they have brought with them hope and belief ... They have pushed me to my limits and pulled me to my heights ... They have loved me in spite of my flaws and made me strive to be better... They have witnessed my journey in this life from a place no one else can comprehend ... And they love my darkness and my light... They hold up a mirror to who I am and who I asked God to help me be... They lit a spark in my life and the flame we have fanned is richer, deeper, stronger than I knew possible... They are the reasons I push forward, they are the best parts of me, they remind me of my purpose and inspire me to let go and believe ... They are my compass and my roots! Keenan, Jordyn, Mallory I love you infinity and beyond! 

Maybe...

G
Maybe I did something to make you mad, I don't know you won't tell me...

Maybe I wanted more than you wanted to give, I don't know you won't tell me...

Maybe I'm annoying and get on your nerves,  I don't know you won't tell me...

Maybe you found someone new or someone from before,  I don't know you won't tell me...

Maybe I'm not what you're looking for,  I don't know you won't tell me...

Maybe you can't handle my brightness, maybe it hurts your eyes,  I don't know you won't tell me...

Maybe I'm too much for you to handle,  I don't know you won't tell me...

Maybe I'm perfect just the way I am but you can't see me,  I don't know you won't tell me...

But what I do know without a doubt is that I love you and I didn't deserve to be treated this way... I didn't deserve to be disrespected and hurt with no communication. I deserved to be honored whether you want me or not... I deserved at least a loving goodbye. 

#WCW My woman crush Wed is my spunky teenage daughter Mallory

I love that you are here, that you chose me as your mama.

I love your confidence.

I love your spark.

The way your energy can uplift a whole group (situation).

That people trying to stifle your bright energy has never dimmed your light. 

The way some people have expected you to follow the crowd gave you fire to color outside the lines, and make the most beautiful art. 

I love the way you are comfortable in your own skin and can have conversations with anyone regardless age, status, race, religion. 

I love how you can melt even the gruffest of father's heart. 

I love that you know how to connect to people. 

I love how you are a builder instead of someone who tears down. 

I love that you are a "beast" on the soccer field, but those who know you best know the tender heart inside. 

I love that you root for the underdog... That you cheer for other people's successes. 

I love how you love your brother and sister. 

I love how you love being "auntie". 

But most of all I love that you chose me to come through to this life... That I get a front row seat to your beautiful journey... That I get to love you beyond measure! 

Sent from my iPhone

Because of one man.... Feb 21, 2014

Because of one man

Because one man stood up and said..."I want to make a difference for one child"...he changed the world for so many more. 

Because one man used his voice to speak the truth for a child...many voices joined to make a powerful choir.  

Because one man lit the way to make a change...the path of so many shone bright.

Because one man was brave and opened his heart... Many feel worthy of love and belonging. 

Because one man put his money where his heart is...he empowered children facing adversity to have a mentor to walk beside them. 

Because one man opened his life to a child... A boy learned the joy of mowing a lawn; a girl learned she could go to college to play soft ball; a child learned to trust an adult; children learned that people stay, people care and relationships can be safe. 

Because one man said yes, years ago... It started a ripple that continues today and for years into the future...

Because one young man named Steven opened his heart and inspired groups of people, children's lives were changed for the better, forever.  Because of Steven the world is a little brighter for all of 

I Must Confess... Dec. 12, 2013

I must confess that the last while I have struggled with feelings of hurt, pain, loneliness, betrayal, not knowing who I can truly trust, or where I truly fit in.... In a lot of ways the world I knew, the me i thought i knew, was turned upside down. I have caused hurt in the process of dealing with my own darkness... I have shut down places that may never open up again... But today, today I see the glimmer again, today I have hope that parts of me that have covered in darkness will see light again, I have hope that my spark though small is growing again... Thanks to those (you know who you are) who have held my hand in the confusion, who have reminded me who I am. I am brave and I am worthy of love and belonging (thanks brene brown) and watch out world cuz I'm shining again... Amazing, miraculous things are happening!