Because of one man.... Feb 21, 2014

Because of one man

Because one man stood up and said..."I want to make a difference for one child"...he changed the world for so many more. 

Because one man used his voice to speak the truth for a child...many voices joined to make a powerful choir.  

Because one man lit the way to make a change...the path of so many shone bright.

Because one man was brave and opened his heart... Many feel worthy of love and belonging. 

Because one man put his money where his heart is...he empowered children facing adversity to have a mentor to walk beside them. 

Because one man opened his life to a child... A boy learned the joy of mowing a lawn; a girl learned she could go to college to play soft ball; a child learned to trust an adult; children learned that people stay, people care and relationships can be safe. 

Because one man said yes, years ago... It started a ripple that continues today and for years into the future...

Because one young man named Steven opened his heart and inspired groups of people, children's lives were changed for the better, forever.  Because of Steven the world is a little brighter for all of 

I Must Confess... Dec. 12, 2013

I must confess that the last while I have struggled with feelings of hurt, pain, loneliness, betrayal, not knowing who I can truly trust, or where I truly fit in.... In a lot of ways the world I knew, the me i thought i knew, was turned upside down. I have caused hurt in the process of dealing with my own darkness... I have shut down places that may never open up again... But today, today I see the glimmer again, today I have hope that parts of me that have covered in darkness will see light again, I have hope that my spark though small is growing again... Thanks to those (you know who you are) who have held my hand in the confusion, who have reminded me who I am. I am brave and I am worthy of love and belonging (thanks brene brown) and watch out world cuz I'm shining again... Amazing, miraculous things are happening! 

Something's I'm learning about me-Dec. 6, 2013

Some things I'm learning about me....

I attract amazing souls into my life. 

I have sold myself out for the approval of those who don't really care about me. 

I struggle with sitting with myself in my darkness and remembering I'm enough. 

I extend and open myself to others... That burns me quite regularly-I extend anyway. 

I'm a gallon love person - sometimes those I love are quarts or pints - I'm still a gallon anyway. 

I have inspirational angels who lift me up, dust me off and help me fly. 

I'm a boat rocker, and some people are afraid of getting wet.......I'm a boat rocker anyway. 

The places in me that have been shattered I've let light shine through. 

The places in me that have broken, heal stronger. 

Forgiveness doesn't mean I let someone all the way back in, some parts of me remain closed to them. 

I am strong and can take a lot, but I too have limits. 

I have gifts that I took for granted, I have dimmed my light to not shine too bright... I'm learning that my bright light may help others out of their own darkness. 

Avoiding the pain lets it fester, leaning  in lets it dissipate. 

Leaning into joy makes me vulnerable -I'm learning to lean in anyway.  

Not everyone appreciates who I am-I'm learning that I'm an acquired taste that doesn't suit everyone's palette --yesterday I sold  myself off for their approval---

Today I'm me anyway. 

My angel friend Lau

It's interesting that I'm still surprised when angels show up in my life... The subtle ways we meet and then the fingerprints they leave burned in my soul. Our friendship was a story such as that... We met briefly in college then a few years later our paths crossed again over food counter between a hot kitchen and a bustling waitress station. I didn't realize at the time that the joking and laughing would build such a strong friendship. But when a truck crash tore my world apart and I was left behind 7 months pregnant and had a 3 year old son... He was there my first day back after the funeral. 

As I walked into work with my smiling mask on, I tried to pretend I wasn't broken... He looked me in my eyes,behind the mask, he saw the pain in my soul. He took both my hands and said "you aren't in this alone" then he held me as tears rolled down my face ... He held me like he was trying to hold my broken pieces together. And I knew then he would always be my friend. 

The next few years we took turns encouraging each other through the struggles in each of our lives.... And life went on with its crazy twists and turns... 

Then like life can do ... It decided to teach some more lessons... And when I first heard of the cancer I was lost in denial... He was so healthy, so strong... But each time sweet Jacquie called me to come cuz he was back in the hospital, the realization was too clear to ignore. As I think back to the last weeks as I sat by his bed in the living room. As I tried to be strong for him and his family... I realize he was the one strong for us. We had many talks of life after this life and he'd hold my hand again and look into my tear filled eyes and say "I'm not afraid, I'm at peace". But I knew the hole he would leave ... And I selfishly grieved our loss... 

Today when I see the faces of his beautiful children, who I adore like my own, I see the whispers of him still in this world. In the struggles of life I see his arms around his love holding her together and helping her be strong. I see him playing with his grandchildren before he sends them down... And as his hands pass them through the veil, he kisses them and whispers "give this kiss to Gully from me".

Ava

Today I was blessed to sit on the bed of my heart little sister, hold her hand, and as tears streamed down our faces she told me of her precious angel Ava.  As she told me of her fierce determination, gumption, and fighting spirit… I pictured her a lot like her mama, when she spoke of her energy to keep pushing when she was so tired, I pictured her a lot like her daddy… She had her daddy’s chin and her mama’s eyes… She had dark hair with blonde shimmers, she came with highlights…she’s the perfect blend of them.  She was wished for and prayed for… she was the miracle of two people who deeply love her…. I can envision her looking down waiting for her time to come through these amazing parents to this life… and while they patiently waited for her to make her appearance they nurtured her and they talked to her, they read amazing books and they prepared for their life to change with her.  What they didn’t prepare for was that she would come for such a short time… they knew her as she grew strong in her mamas womb and they anticipated holding her in their arms for years to come… but the plan wasn’t theirs, it was a higher plan that she had made before she came… She came to teach them how to love deeper and to trust in a vision bigger than their own.  As the doctors pulled her from her cozy home, her heart wasn’t beating, her breath had stopped… they worked on her feverishly for 11 min…. She could have chosen at that time to go, she was tired; but her mama was asleep and she hadn’t seen her face…. She knew she needed time with her to look in her eyes and show her she loved her…. To hear her daddy’s voice clearly …. She knew they needed these days to prepare for her departure… that every moment was precious…that every moment was blessed.  In 3 short days she touched many hearts and souls….people who would never even see her little face… and as her soul touched us, we knew her love…. A spirit so expansive and bright enough to light so many sparks… We will always miss holding her, but will forever feel her soul with us. In the hard times she will surround and hold us up and in the times of joy she will be the echo in the laughter and the twinkle in our smiles.  The miracle of Ava will continue to teach us, sometimes the force will take our breath away and sometimes in the most subtle breeze it will quietly blow through us….but we will be transformed none the less….

Aug 10, 2014

How To Boil A Frog

For years this day used to send me into a panic attack...I have felt anxious and fearful,at times without knowing why.. Then I would realize the date.. Now I choose to dedicate this day to empowering others... To shine my light so others can see their way out of their own darkness, whatever that looks like for them....

How To Boil A Frog

Some things you may not know if someone has not held your life, literally,  in their hands... 

Many people say..."I would never stay with someone who hit me" or "why don't they just leave" ...(I know I've said those same statements before it was me in the abuse) what people don't realize is the physical abuse doesn't start right away... And that the mental and emotional abuse usually is far more damaging than the physical... The bruises, cuts and bones heal while the psychological damage finds ways to hold on... And rear it's head during the most inopportune times... Like when a friend rubs your shoulders out of support and you cringe because hands are close to your neck, or a car follows you on one too many turns and so you change your route, the phone at your office rings and a blocked or unavailable number comes up...

The abuse starts subtly with picks at your self worth... The abuser is charismatic at noticing your wounds and scabs then casually picking them so not only does it prevent them from healing, it can make them fester and infect...the process is like boiling a frog, if you put them in hot water they would jump out, but if you put them in cool water and slowly turn up the heat... They don't notice until its too late, too hot and they boil.  

The cycle seems crazy outside the arena... And seems like a whirlwind from the inside... I can't speak for anyone else, only for me... I felt ashamed that I let him in my life, so I only let the tip of the iceberg show... If I loved him enough, it would change... I felt protected when he was there, that he wouldn't let anyone hurt me; but that came with the  price of being my knight and my dragon....when he was sweet, he was the sweetest; when he was mean he was the meanest...I got used to walking on egg shells and dodging the mine field and the stress kept me just enough off balance so the chaos felt normal...it took finally getting out of the tornado to relearn calm and peace so it felt like normal... Somewhere in the abuse it's like a magnet is on our compass ... It seems like we are following its direction but the guiding system is compromised ... 

I know I've used a lot of different analogies here and it may seemed scattered ... That's the way the abuse feels from inside...  

Aug 2, 2014

The Fear Doesn't Own Me Anymore

The Fear Doesn't Own Me Anymore 

I awoke startled at 4 am to find you standing over my bed... Only a couple hours before we had words over the phone and you were towns, counties and hours away, yet here you were coldly staring at me sleeping. You didn't move, you didn't flinch, no answers to my confusion of questions... "What are you doing here? How did you get in?" The moments seemed to drag until I felt the silence would suffocate me.  I reached for my purse and I stood to leave... As I said "I can't do this, I'm out of here" I felt the sting on my flesh as your hand  connected with  my face, the noise rang in my ears... It seemed like slow motion as I fell back on my bed stunned, the weight of your body straddled me as your forceful hands gripped my neck... I remember thinking...it's true, my life is flashing before my eyes ... Thinking of my little kids... Would I see them again? 

Then I looked into your eyes, they seemed fogged over with rage... Then all of a sudden the fog lifted, your grip loosened as you said "oh my God, your face" ... Little did I know this was only the beginning of months of crazy and years of fear.... That 17 years ago today this act would have weaved it's way thru my life and still in ways define my ability to see myself ... I'm stronger now, I cringe less, the fear doesn't own me anymore, but in my darkest moments it still lets me know that at one time it did, but I take a deep breath and know I Am Free! 

Aug 2, 2014