Maybe...

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Maybe I did something to make you mad, I don't know you won't tell me...

Maybe I wanted more than you wanted to give, I don't know you won't tell me...

Maybe I'm annoying and get on your nerves,  I don't know you won't tell me...

Maybe you found someone new or someone from before,  I don't know you won't tell me...

Maybe I'm not what you're looking for,  I don't know you won't tell me...

Maybe you can't handle my brightness, maybe it hurts your eyes,  I don't know you won't tell me...

Maybe I'm too much for you to handle,  I don't know you won't tell me...

Maybe I'm perfect just the way I am but you can't see me,  I don't know you won't tell me...

But what I do know without a doubt is that I love you and I didn't deserve to be treated this way... I didn't deserve to be disrespected and hurt with no communication. I deserved to be honored whether you want me or not... I deserved at least a loving goodbye. 

#WCW My woman crush Wed is my spunky teenage daughter Mallory

I love that you are here, that you chose me as your mama.

I love your confidence.

I love your spark.

The way your energy can uplift a whole group (situation).

That people trying to stifle your bright energy has never dimmed your light. 

The way some people have expected you to follow the crowd gave you fire to color outside the lines, and make the most beautiful art. 

I love the way you are comfortable in your own skin and can have conversations with anyone regardless age, status, race, religion. 

I love how you can melt even the gruffest of father's heart. 

I love that you know how to connect to people. 

I love how you are a builder instead of someone who tears down. 

I love that you are a "beast" on the soccer field, but those who know you best know the tender heart inside. 

I love that you root for the underdog... That you cheer for other people's successes. 

I love how you love your brother and sister. 

I love how you love being "auntie". 

But most of all I love that you chose me to come through to this life... That I get a front row seat to your beautiful journey... That I get to love you beyond measure! 

Sent from my iPhone

Because of one man.... Feb 21, 2014

Because of one man

Because one man stood up and said..."I want to make a difference for one child"...he changed the world for so many more. 

Because one man used his voice to speak the truth for a child...many voices joined to make a powerful choir.  

Because one man lit the way to make a change...the path of so many shone bright.

Because one man was brave and opened his heart... Many feel worthy of love and belonging. 

Because one man put his money where his heart is...he empowered children facing adversity to have a mentor to walk beside them. 

Because one man opened his life to a child... A boy learned the joy of mowing a lawn; a girl learned she could go to college to play soft ball; a child learned to trust an adult; children learned that people stay, people care and relationships can be safe. 

Because one man said yes, years ago... It started a ripple that continues today and for years into the future...

Because one young man named Steven opened his heart and inspired groups of people, children's lives were changed for the better, forever.  Because of Steven the world is a little brighter for all of 

I Must Confess... Dec. 12, 2013

I must confess that the last while I have struggled with feelings of hurt, pain, loneliness, betrayal, not knowing who I can truly trust, or where I truly fit in.... In a lot of ways the world I knew, the me i thought i knew, was turned upside down. I have caused hurt in the process of dealing with my own darkness... I have shut down places that may never open up again... But today, today I see the glimmer again, today I have hope that parts of me that have covered in darkness will see light again, I have hope that my spark though small is growing again... Thanks to those (you know who you are) who have held my hand in the confusion, who have reminded me who I am. I am brave and I am worthy of love and belonging (thanks brene brown) and watch out world cuz I'm shining again... Amazing, miraculous things are happening! 

Something's I'm learning about me-Dec. 6, 2013

Some things I'm learning about me....

I attract amazing souls into my life. 

I have sold myself out for the approval of those who don't really care about me. 

I struggle with sitting with myself in my darkness and remembering I'm enough. 

I extend and open myself to others... That burns me quite regularly-I extend anyway. 

I'm a gallon love person - sometimes those I love are quarts or pints - I'm still a gallon anyway. 

I have inspirational angels who lift me up, dust me off and help me fly. 

I'm a boat rocker, and some people are afraid of getting wet.......I'm a boat rocker anyway. 

The places in me that have been shattered I've let light shine through. 

The places in me that have broken, heal stronger. 

Forgiveness doesn't mean I let someone all the way back in, some parts of me remain closed to them. 

I am strong and can take a lot, but I too have limits. 

I have gifts that I took for granted, I have dimmed my light to not shine too bright... I'm learning that my bright light may help others out of their own darkness. 

Avoiding the pain lets it fester, leaning  in lets it dissipate. 

Leaning into joy makes me vulnerable -I'm learning to lean in anyway.  

Not everyone appreciates who I am-I'm learning that I'm an acquired taste that doesn't suit everyone's palette --yesterday I sold  myself off for their approval---

Today I'm me anyway. 

My angel friend Lau

It's interesting that I'm still surprised when angels show up in my life... The subtle ways we meet and then the fingerprints they leave burned in my soul. Our friendship was a story such as that... We met briefly in college then a few years later our paths crossed again over food counter between a hot kitchen and a bustling waitress station. I didn't realize at the time that the joking and laughing would build such a strong friendship. But when a truck crash tore my world apart and I was left behind 7 months pregnant and had a 3 year old son... He was there my first day back after the funeral. 

As I walked into work with my smiling mask on, I tried to pretend I wasn't broken... He looked me in my eyes,behind the mask, he saw the pain in my soul. He took both my hands and said "you aren't in this alone" then he held me as tears rolled down my face ... He held me like he was trying to hold my broken pieces together. And I knew then he would always be my friend. 

The next few years we took turns encouraging each other through the struggles in each of our lives.... And life went on with its crazy twists and turns... 

Then like life can do ... It decided to teach some more lessons... And when I first heard of the cancer I was lost in denial... He was so healthy, so strong... But each time sweet Jacquie called me to come cuz he was back in the hospital, the realization was too clear to ignore. As I think back to the last weeks as I sat by his bed in the living room. As I tried to be strong for him and his family... I realize he was the one strong for us. We had many talks of life after this life and he'd hold my hand again and look into my tear filled eyes and say "I'm not afraid, I'm at peace". But I knew the hole he would leave ... And I selfishly grieved our loss... 

Today when I see the faces of his beautiful children, who I adore like my own, I see the whispers of him still in this world. In the struggles of life I see his arms around his love holding her together and helping her be strong. I see him playing with his grandchildren before he sends them down... And as his hands pass them through the veil, he kisses them and whispers "give this kiss to Gully from me".

Ava

Today I was blessed to sit on the bed of my heart little sister, hold her hand, and as tears streamed down our faces she told me of her precious angel Ava.  As she told me of her fierce determination, gumption, and fighting spirit… I pictured her a lot like her mama, when she spoke of her energy to keep pushing when she was so tired, I pictured her a lot like her daddy… She had her daddy’s chin and her mama’s eyes… She had dark hair with blonde shimmers, she came with highlights…she’s the perfect blend of them.  She was wished for and prayed for… she was the miracle of two people who deeply love her…. I can envision her looking down waiting for her time to come through these amazing parents to this life… and while they patiently waited for her to make her appearance they nurtured her and they talked to her, they read amazing books and they prepared for their life to change with her.  What they didn’t prepare for was that she would come for such a short time… they knew her as she grew strong in her mamas womb and they anticipated holding her in their arms for years to come… but the plan wasn’t theirs, it was a higher plan that she had made before she came… She came to teach them how to love deeper and to trust in a vision bigger than their own.  As the doctors pulled her from her cozy home, her heart wasn’t beating, her breath had stopped… they worked on her feverishly for 11 min…. She could have chosen at that time to go, she was tired; but her mama was asleep and she hadn’t seen her face…. She knew she needed time with her to look in her eyes and show her she loved her…. To hear her daddy’s voice clearly …. She knew they needed these days to prepare for her departure… that every moment was precious…that every moment was blessed.  In 3 short days she touched many hearts and souls….people who would never even see her little face… and as her soul touched us, we knew her love…. A spirit so expansive and bright enough to light so many sparks… We will always miss holding her, but will forever feel her soul with us. In the hard times she will surround and hold us up and in the times of joy she will be the echo in the laughter and the twinkle in our smiles.  The miracle of Ava will continue to teach us, sometimes the force will take our breath away and sometimes in the most subtle breeze it will quietly blow through us….but we will be transformed none the less….

Aug 10, 2014